


where it's safe and warm

by Mr_Phich



Series: everyone needs a chance to be small [25]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Daddy!Steve, Diapers, Infantilism, Little!Bucky - Freeform, Neurodivergent Bucky, Non-Sexual Age Play
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-16
Updated: 2018-07-16
Packaged: 2019-06-11 10:49:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,780
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15313863
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mr_Phich/pseuds/Mr_Phich
Summary: Bucky tries out a new headspace. Steve kind of loves it.





	where it's safe and warm

**Author's Note:**

> Many thanks to WhatEvenAmI for all the many discussions about Bucky's different headspaces. I know you've been waiting for this one for a while!!!

_ Oh I am a chickie who lives in an egg, _

_ But I will not hatch, I will not hatch. _

_ The hens they all cackle, the roosters all beg, _

_ But I will not hatch, I will not hatch. _

_ For I hear all the talk of pollution and war _

_ As the people all shout and the airplanes roar, _

_ So I'm staying in here where it's safe and it's warm, _

_ And I WILL NOT HATCH! _

_ Shel Silverstein _

“Steve?” Bucky came up to him, face creased and body nervous, as Steve was working on some paperwork. “Can we talk?”

Steve put his papers down, closing the file, and turned to look at Bucky. He offered a reassuring smile. “Course we can, Buck. Let’s go into the living room, okay?” Bucky nodded, though his hands went to his dogtags, bringing them up to his mouth to suck on nervously. 

Steve tried to keep his face still as he attempted to work out what Bucky might need to talk about. Bucky’s tablet was lying on the couch, open to a document. When they sat, Bucky handed him the tablet. That was pretty normal, when Bucky needed to discuss something difficult. He liked to start the conversation by writing down his questions or concerns and then they’d take it from there. 

Steve lowered his eyes to the tablet and began to read. Like most of Bucky’s writing, there were frequent typos and a total lack of capitals or punctuation. Steve knew that it was because of Bucky’s fine motor difficulties and the frustration he felt when he tried to type. 

_ A while ago you said it wood be ok if I wanted to be littler and i was thinking maybe i might want that cause there are things i gotta do even when i’m little and maybe i might wanna have time wher i don’t gotta do anything  _

_ I no that’s probly lazy and stuff but somtimes i jut feel real tired and i don’t wanna and maybe if i was even littler than it would be okay  _

Steve read it over twice, just to make sure he had understood everything and then looked up with a smile. “I think that sounds like a good idea, Bucky. If you want to be littler that would be okay with me. I like taking care of you.” 

Bucky blushed and kept his gaze focused on his knees, which told Steve what he need to know about how secure Bucky was feeling about making this request. He’d lead the conversation then. 

“Do you have an idea of how little you’d like to be?” Steve asked, taking Bucky’s hand and giving it a gentle squeeze. Bucky shrugged again. Steve paused, taking time to come up with the right words. 

“Well you said that you want to be little enough that you’re not expected to do anything. To me that sounds like you might want to be a baby, does that sound right?” 

Bucky hunched into his shoulders and glanced away, cheeks pink. But after a moment he nodded, carefully not looking at Steve. 

“Okay. That sounds good to me. I’ve never taken care of a baby before, but I think I would like it. Let’s talk about the things you might want when you’re that little. Are there any things you really want or don’t want?” 

Bucky took a minute, formulating his words as he chewed on his dog tags. “I don’t wanna talk a lot. Maybe just a coupla words.” 

“Alright. It’s important that you have a safe word, even when you’re that little. Do you want it to be the same as it is now?” Bucky nodded. Steve and Bucky had struggled to come up with a safe word, because it needed to be something that Bucky could consistently say (or sign) that wasn’t also something he said regularly. They had eventually settled on mom, or some form thereof. Bucky could always say or sign it and it wasn’t a word he had use for very often. Sometimes they did talk about Bucky’s family, about his ma, but those times were few and far between and usually occurred when he was big. 

“Okay,” Steve continued. “Do you want to have a list of your words when you’re a baby, or should we just figure it out as we go?” 

Bucky raised two fingers to indicate the second option. 

Steve nodded. He hesitated before his next question, but gently asked it despite his concerns, “Would you like to wear diapers when you’re a baby?”

Bucky blushed and closed his eyes but nodded immediately. Steve wasn’t surprised. Bucky’s struggles with his continence were consistently challenging. While big, Bucky mostly managed by always focusing on his body to some extent and not straying too far from bathrooms. And while little Bucky released the reins some, he still tried pretty hard not to have accidents. Despite Clint wearing pull ups at home, Bucky still opted to wear underwear when it was just the three of them. Steve wasn’t sure what that was about, as Bucky didn’t seem to mind the protection too much. Bucky was always much more upset by an accident if he was wearing underwear rather than some sort of protection, but he always opted for underwear when given the choice. 

Steve didn’t probe further into that issue right then, despite his ongoing confusion and concern, aware that this conversation was taxing enough for Bucky. “That sounds like a good plan. Is there anything else you’d like?”

Bucky fidgeted for a moment and then whispered, “Can you feed me?”

“Of course,” Steve said softly. He was already seeing it in his head, already looking forward to the comfort of being able to take care of all of Bucky’s needs. 

“And - uh, maybe so little I can only sort of walk?” 

Steve nodded. He was pretty sure he was getting a sense of what Bucky needed. The things they’d talked about - talking, walking, toileting, feeding, all of those were things that Bucky struggled with, to some extent. He wanted to hand them over, not worry about them. 

“And I’ll dress you and give you baths,” Steve said and Bucky nodded. “That all sounds really good, bud. Do you have any other ideas of what you might like?”

Bucky shook his head and squirmed a little closer. Steve put an arm around him and gave him a squeeze. 

“I have some other ideas, would you like to hear them?” 

“Sure,” Bucky mumbled, turning his head so it rested on Steve’s shoulder. 

Steve did his research, way back when he and Clint had just started this thing. He hadn’t known how little Clint would want to be and he figured the more information he had the more prepared he’d be. He’d voraciously read everything he could, scoured sites that sold diapers and pacifiers and bottles made especially for adults. A lot of it he didn’t end up having any use for, because Clint’s headspace age was more in the toddler to preschooler range. But now Steve was glad he’d done all that reading, and thankful for his enhanced memory. It gave him an idea of how he could support and extend this desire of Bucky’s - offer him things Bucky might not even think to ask for. 

“We could get you special clothes for when you’re that little, like the overalls you sometimes wear. They make bodysuits and things for littles, so we could get some of those. We could get you bottles to drink from, or special spoons and forks. What do you think about those ideas?”

Bucky blushed and wiggled in Steve’s arms. Steve let him think, didn’t push. Finally, Bucky whispered, “Okay.” 

“Okay. I’ll order everything today. When would you like to try it?” 

Bucky gnawed on his tags and shrugged. 

“Would you like me to choose?” Steve offered softly. Bucky nodded immediately. “Alright, why don’t we wait until everything comes in the mail, some time next week, probably. We can do it during the week when it’s just me and you - maybe Thursday after your appointment with Annie?” 

Bucky nodded his agreement and cuddled in a little closer, body language shifting just enough to let Steve know that Bucky’d slipped younger. Steve scooped him up close and pressed a kiss to his forehead. “I’m so glad you told me what you needed, buddy. I know it’s hard and I’m so proud of you for coming to me with this.”

Steve could feel Bucky’s content smile on the skin of his neck. 

*

The days seemed to drag by. Steve honestly had no idea that he’d be this excited by the idea, but he really was. He wanted Bucky to be his baby, to let Steve care for him in every way possible. He’d been having dreams since that conversation of cradling Bucky in the crook of his arm and holding his bottle up for him. He woke feeling content and overflowing with love for his little boy. 

Each day new packages arrived for Bucky. They opened them together - onesies got stacked into a cleared drawer in Bucky’s wardrobe. New, soft, pastel colored baby toys got stored in one of the bins that Steve used to use for Clint’s little things. Bottles were washed carefully and left to dry in the dish drainer. 

When Thursday finally arrived, Bucky was noticeably anxious and more clingy than was normal these days - he cried when Steve left him with Thor for the first time in months. Steve kissed his forehead and assured him he would be home before he knew it, but part of him was wondering if this baby idea was really a good idea. He wanted it - he really wanted it, but if it would negatively impact Bucky’s progress… 

Steve returned just as Bucy and Annie were finishing up their Thursday session, as he usually did. Thor was in the kitchen, giving Bucky some privacy with Annie. Sometimes Thor stuck around and participated, as on Thursdays Annie and Bucky typically worked on Bucky’s social skills. Steve thanked Thor and gave him a quick but strong hug goodbye before joining Bucky and Annie in the living room. Bucky had his tablet out and his face showed signs of crying. Steve hesitated, not sure if he was interrupting a sensitive moment. 

“Steve!” Annie said when she saw him. She smiled and Steve stepped a little further into the room. Bucky’s head whipped around and his arm came up, silently asking for a hug. Steve lengthened his steps so he could reach Bucky a little quicker and tucked him tight into his arms. “Bucky was just telling me that he’s going to be trying out a younger headspace today.”

Steve nodded and then, candidly, added, “I’m really excited.”

Annie grinned like he’d just said the perfect thing. 

“You are?” Bucky asked, wide eyed. “S’not - y’know, too much or nothin?”

“It’s not too much at all,” Steve promised. “I’m looking forward to it. I like taking care of you and I like making you feel good.” 

Bucky relaxed into Steve’s side and tucked his head against Steve’s chest, but not before Steve spotted his pleased smile. 

They said their goodbyes to Annie and Steve carried Bucky into the bedroom. He carefully lay him down on the bed.

“Let’s get you changed into some better clothes, baby,” Steve said with a fond smile. 

“Daddy,” Bucky mumbled around his pacifier, voice higher and more slurred than was usual. “M’scared.” 

Steve sat down next to Bucky on the bed and reached out to rub his belly. Bucky pressed his face into the side of Steve’s thigh. “Why are you scared, roo?”

“What if - s’too much? Or I can’t be littler.”

“If that happens we’ll stop and figure it out together, okay? It may take a little while for you to find the right place in your head, and that’s okay. Right now, why don’t you just let me take care of you. You don’t have to worry about anything, just let me take care of everything.”

“Want the stripey onesie,” Bucky whispered as he settled onto his back. Bucky still had a really hard time choosing clothes, though he’d started to express more opinions about what he did and didn’t like to wear, and it was a little thrilling to hear Bucky state his desire so clearly. Steve smiled, knowing exactly the one that Bucky meant. Steve had mostly stuck to plain onesies and footie pajamas in various colors, as that tended to be what Bucky liked. He’d ordered a couple with simple patterns, and there had been one in broad blue and white stripes that Bucky couldn’t stop touching after they opened it. It was long sleeved, so Steve had hemmed up the left shoulder to cover Bucky’s delicate skin and it was waiting in the cupboard, clean and soft from Steve’s latest fabric softener of choice. 

“Okay,” Steve agreed, getting up to retrieve it. He also pulled out a pair of sweatpants. Returning to the bed, Steve gently started to maneuver Bucky out of his clothes and the pull up he was wearing, even though it was still dry. Steve replaced the pull up with a diaper, taking his time and carefully smoothing down the tapes and adjusting the fit. This routine was familiar, and just like Steve had hoped, Bucky began to relax. 

Usually, Bucky would sit up to help Steve with his shirt, but today Steve gently lifted Bucky’s upper body with one arm while guiding the onesie over his head. Bucky’s cheeks pinked and he sucked somewhat nervously on his pacifier, but there was a growing softness and haziness to his eyes that Steve thought was a good sign. Steve maneuvered Bucky’s body into the clothes he’d gathered, making sure to arrange everything so there weren’t any seams pressing into Bucky’s sensitive skin. Finally, he gathered a set of fuzzy socks that Bucky adored no matter his headspace and pulled them onto his feet. Bucky’s feet were incredibly sensitive and most socks bothered him and shoes were a whole other struggle, but these soft, fluffy, seamless socks were a good way to keep Bucky’s feet warm as fall turned into winter. 

“Alright baby,” Steve said softly, leaning over to pick Bucky up and cradle him close in front of him. Bucky’s body was loose and pliable, but he clung strongly all the same, still sucking nervously on his pacifier. “Let’s get some lunch, hmm?”

Steve had set aside some things last night for Bucky’s first lunch in his new headspace and he pulled them out of the fridge with Bucky balanced on one hip. He filled one of the new bottles with milk and managed to screw on the top with one arm wrapped around Bucky, which Steve personally thought was pretty impressive. Finally, he settled down in one of the chairs with Bucky perched on his lap. 

There was an array of small bowls around them, filled with carefully cubed food - small and easily chewable. Steve started with the cooked peas, spooning a small amount into Bucky’s mouth. Bucky opened his mouth readily and let Steve feed him. 

They moved from peas to boiled carrots, on to mashed potatoes and cubed hotdog. The process was slow and painstaking and Steve loved every minute of it. Bucky got heavy and loose-limbed in his arms, curling into something warm and content and easy like he so rarely was. Finishing off with some strawberry yogurt, Steve carefully spooned the last bit into Bucky’s mouth. Though they’d managed to keep Bucky relatively clean, Steve made a show of cleaning off Bucky’s face with a soft cloth before scooping him up and carrying him into the living room. 

He settled on the couch, Bucky curled in his arm. Bucky looked up at him with wide eyes, blinking slowly. Steve smiled, leaning down to kiss Bucky’s forehead. Propping Bucky’s head up, Steve lifted the bottle to Bucky’s lips. Bucky opened his mouth automatically for the nipple and Steve slid it in. Experimentally, Bucky gave a little suck. He coughed a little and Steve quickly pulled the bottle back, but Bucky pouted and started to reach for it with his hand, more clumsy than usual. 

Smiling a little, Steve lowered the bottle back down. Bucky took a more confident suck and quickly settled into a rhythm, his eyes drifting shut. Steve watched him drink, a warm contentment filling him. They didn’t often get quiet moments like this, just the two of them, with no worries or goals or distractions. He loved Bucky so much it consumed him sometimes, it turned into worry, into fear. 

In that moment, it was just love. 

_ Fin.  _

**Author's Note:**

> As always, thank you for reading, kudoing, and commenting! I appreciate them muchly, even though I have been very, very bad at responding to comments! There will be maybe one more story in this series, if I can get it together to write it.


End file.
